How Loneliness Feels

It’s happening again.

I woke up early this morning and I feel heavy — the kind that makes you just want to stay in bed the whole day drowning in self pity. Ugh, I hate how my sentence rhymed just like how I’m irritated at the littlest of things. I don’t know why but It must be the heavy feeling I’m in. In a dark and cold state like I’m drowning in deep sea, that’s how my thoughts are right now — it’s drowning me. The difference is I know I can breathe. I know I’m alive and it’s not killing me. The saddest part? I prefer the latter gruesome situation of literally drowning because at least then my thoughts would stop. Thoughts that are represented by the never ending string of words torturing my mind, hurting my heart and slowly pushing me over the edge.

But I’m not privileged enough to be lounging in bed the whole day. So I had to do what a responsible adult would — get up and do the same damn thing I do every single day, work — something that has become repetitive for me. Something I should’ve been looking forward to waking up each day but I don’t. Something I should be grateful for. And I always ask myself, is it supposed to be this way?

As I reminisce for the old me who was excited about life, I smile in the mirror searching for that same old unproblematic smile I had. How ironic, I continue to think. A person can look peaceful and happy outside but is battling turmoils inside. Realizations hit me as I continue to stare at my reflection. This 1 long minute I’m wasting just standing in front of the mirror staring at the breakable glass in front of me is pushing me deeper and deeper to my dark thoughts.

I hate this. This part of me who constantly overthink about what happened, what’s happening and what will happen like I’m afraid to lose control of my life. I’m struggling to pick up the ropes of my life doll and moving it the way I want to.

And I ask and keep questioning myself. How did this start? As far as I remember I was happy yesterday. I was thankful. I was enjoying life.

What happened?

In just a span of less than 24 hours, I became like this, depressed.

Deep in my thoughts, I decided to move.

I have work to do and I can’t be late. There are responsibilities I need to finish depressed or not. Nothing changes every single day, just my mood and my perspective.

And as soon as I thought of perspectives, a “ting” sounded in my mind, a light bulb lighting up the cold dark room spreading a bit of warmth inside.

Perspective. So simple but powerful at the same time. Why? Because things change when your views do. Your feelings change when you see things in a more positive manner. That’s what I learned before. And as I eat my meal and get through my day, I looked at a small peep of sunlight on my window and realize in every dark room there is a window, we may not see it because it’s hidden or it’s in a different shape but there will always be something in the darkness that light can enter to if you just let it.

Smiling a little bit, I got up and went to the curtain covered window opened the whole damn thing for the light to illuminate my room. The warmth hit my face full force and I loved it. I breathe in the air and closed my eyes.

My sadness slowly seeping out of my pores. Figuratively, of course.

I slowly opened my eyes, looked outside and smiled.

It’s another day.

I should be grateful for.

Another day I can makeup for my mistakes, reconcile broken bridges, cut off toxic people, meditate on my actions, work hard for my career, spend time with my loved ones and so much more.

Much much more.

As I close the door and start my day, I thought, my sadness comes in triggers but my happiness fights with me every single time.

And I knew I’ll always be okay.